En Memoriam: On the Rocks

JULY 14-16th, 2006
Under the command of Cpt. Richard "Skinny Dick" Lam, 15 brave souls set out on the HMS Inappropriate in search of a new life on the Georgian Bay. What happened to this team of pioneers along the way, many have speculated, but for the first time since their miraculous return, survivor Nathan Robertson tells all.

"It was a dark and moonless night," claims Robertson, "the air was chile [chilly] as we came to the docks after the endless Terminal 3 loop at the airport. I wasn't so sure that Cpt. Lam was right of mind. He began demanding my right sock, for what, I can only guess."

"When we finally arrived at the cottage, we unpacked our provisions and played some music to calm the crew down. A few of us stayed awake until dawn; I think we all had the same fear that our Captain had led us into dangerous waters, showing us footage of dangerous sharks. We all asked ourself, was this why he brought us here?"

"The second day was more settled than the first. Nerves had been calmed and reserves had arrived. By this point we numbered 15, and in the event of madness, the crew would be able to properly handle the mutiny."

Of course, Skinny Dick wasn't the only one in danger of madness.

Late Saturday night, the crew gathered by the campfire. That's when it happened. Maybe it was something in the air, maybe it was the sauce, but the next thing you know, Chris was breathing fire and Ingo was naked. At first they seemed to be the only ones affected, but it wasn't long before a whole fleet of White Whales came to shore. With the moon glistening off the majestic cheeks of the water-mammals, it became clear why they had come...

[Editor's Note: While water-nudity may be cheeky and fun, what's not fun is having the lake swallow your swim trunks and having to use a flower-pot to cover your shame... although, I suppose I can see how that could also be cheeky and fun...]

Despite nudie-swimming misadventures, nudie-piggy-back fights, and nudie-swimsuit searching, most of the crew managed to survive through Saturday, and after eating all the meat of their fallen comrades on Sunday, they bid a fond fairwell to the little house on the hill, loaded back into the boat, and set sail for civilization again. They learned many things this weekend, including but not limitted to:

• never look at the photographer when he's doing his thing


• while bacon grease may be better than ash water, neither should be imbibed


• and there is absolutely no situation that a backhoe can't get you out of...