To The Asshole Who Stole My Bike On September 2nd, 2008...

You, good Sir, who no doubt lives in the half-way home behind my Apartment and is probably going to sell my beautiful, two-year old Fuji Hybrid to Uncle Jacob on Spadina for $15 with which to buy more crack, are a super douchebag who had no right to take something that did not belong to you. And you broke part of our deck in your bloodthirsty cleptomania and I now have to call my landlord and report that part of our deck has been smashed up by you, you super douchebag, in your efforts to steal my beautiful, goddamn bike that was my main method of transportation, leaving my relatively screwed for my first week of classes next week. And I'll be damned if I'll rely on the Carleton Streetcar to get anywhere - I'd sooner wait on Jesus' resurrection.

I noticed the other day on Craigslist that someone was offering a reward for their Cannondale Racing Bike which was stolen from underneath the Princess Gates at the CNE: I was wondering if I should go on Craigslist and advertise a reward for not the safe return of my bike, but for your ass on a platter. It would be like Mr. Burns turning off the beer taps in Springfield and telling people to take it up with Homer Simpson unless Homer gave him Bobo the bear, thus turning everyone in Springfield against him. Either way, I don't think it would bring my bike back - and I don't have the kind of money that people might want for the capture of another human being. So yeah...

I'll just be sad instead, and think about all the improvements I made to the bike that I won't be able to enjoy anymore, and the good times that I've had, but are not able to have again with my Fuji Hybrid. 

R.I.P. Fuji Hybrid - as I said to Courtney, I at least hope you get bought and used by someone who will ride you, treat you well, and replace your front spokes, rather than getting tossed in someone's backyard until they need another fix. A man can hope, can't he?